© Alan Reade, 1992 and 2020
View the Show Notes
Barbie and the Big Hole
I want to be a Barbie doll.
I want to be a Barbie doll.
I want to be just one foot tall.
I want to be a Barbie doll.
Hello, Ken? This is Barbie.
I just wanted to see if you could
Come over tonight.
Yeah, what's that? Oh, right.
I forgot.
You never talk.
Maybe it's because your mouth is painted on.
Well, why don't you come over anyway?
See you about eight o'clock.
Better make it eight-ish.
See you then.
Bye bye.
Mama, mama?
It's me!
I called because I wanted to tell you...
Tonight, I will become a WOMAN!
Yes, that's right.
But, mama, I also want to know...
Why is it that I feel pain
My body has no nipples.
It has no fat.
Am I a woman?
WHO IS BARBIE'S MAMA?!
Dear God, dear God, dear God,
I'll give you anything if you make my breasts
Ahh, fuck it.
I think I hear the door.
I say, I think that's the door!
Hi Ken, come on in.
You know I just love a well-dressed man.
Sit down in my Barbie love seat, in front of my
Barbie coffee table. We can take a drive in my
Barbie motorhome or soak in my
Barbie hot tub. Just SIT DOWN Ken sit down.
I will make you a drink.
I will make you a thousand drinks.
Barbie gin and tonic okay?
Let me fry you some eggs, sunny-side-up,
The kind that are painted flat on the inside
Of all my pans.
Just SIT DOWN KEN
Let's get comfortable.
No, I know!
LET'S FUCK!
Yeah, baby! Down on the heart-shaped bed!
Let's let our lust take us over!
Ride me ride me like a bucking steed!
Dump deep within me your petroleum seed!
But the worst part about it...
Is you don't even have a dick.
That's why I bought this:
It's a strap-on, Ken.
It's made for people like us because it's plastic.
Me first! BEND OVER KENNETH!
Oh, oh, oh! Take it up your hard ass, baby!
I wanna hear your springs creak!
Yeah, take it! Take it! Take it! Take it...
Shit.
I don't think there's a hole.
Well, that's okay.
You try! I'll just get up here and...
Yeah, I think I can get it going, I...
Here we go!
Oh, oh, oh, OH!!!
I'M A WOMAN OF THE NINETIES, BABY!
I'm a woman of the nineties and I can't get enough
Ken?
I don't think there's a hole here either.
But I do great impressions, don't you think?
Ken, I think you'd better go.
Because suddenly,
I want to go to Arizona.
So get out.
Just take your things and get out.
But wait a minute, Ken!
Before you go, I want to ask you something:
Why don't you ever talk?!
Is it because your head is empty?
Is it because your body is hard?
It has no nipples. It has no fat.
oH, kEN:
There are so many of us.
And we're not even minority status!
Lying at the bottoms of rivers, buried in the ground.
Our empty heads caved in by sand and mud.
Smiles on our painted faces.
Eyes staring straight ahead.
I tell ya, Ken, sometimes it gets to me,
That staring straight ahead!
I'll tell you something else:
It's the real reason I called you over here tonight.
Because I wanted to tell you
That WE ARE DEATH.
Yeah, that's right, we are dying and we are death.
Millions of years ago, lots of living things,
Tiny organisms, filled the sea;
And they died and went DEEP DEEP DOWN,
Deep into the ocean, deep into the ground,
And their collective bodies rotted there over the centuries,
And they became oil.
And the oil was farmed up,
And we were made from it.
Yes, Ken, we are darkness
And we are death.
SO WHY CAN'T I DIE?!!
Oh, Ken, you'd better
Get the fuck out.
So I write a letter. And it goes--
Dear Ken:
It goes
Dear Ken:
It goes--DEAR FUCKING KEN!!!
I am going to Arizona, where the rocks are blood-red.
Maybe there God will let me die.
Bye bye.
And oh, Ken, please tell them,
What it's like to be